Indefinable
by SM0KEYJ0E
Summary: Kind of a onesided JohnElizabeth thing...


Author's Notes: The characters don't belong to me; just playing writer for a bit.

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Sometimes he watches her. He doesn't think she knows that he does it, and that makes it all the better, because he sees sides of her that she reserves for individual people. He sees the patience she has for Rodney, similar to what one might have for a brilliant child who has no social skills, which come to think of it, is sort of what Rodney is. She is a steadying hand for him, trying only to guide his genius to the proper channels instead of quelling or curbing it in any way. He sees the mutual friendship and care that passes between her and Dr. Beckett. He knows she worries that sometimes he has too much compassion, and he knows that the doctor worries that sometimes she's so busy taking care of Atlantis she'll forget to take care of herself a little bit more.

He also sees sides of her that he thinks maybe she'd like to keep hidden. He's seen her in her office, late at night, after a mission has gone badly and lives have been lost… lives that she feels individually responsible for. He's watched as she's cried, and is fascinated that the tears last only a moment before she denies them, steeling herself into an unflinching expedition leader once more. He's also seen her in the gyms and training rooms: it's rare that she allows herself the time, and it's usually very early in the morning, before anyone might catch her, but he has, and he now knows that she's more flexible than any ten people he can think of, and he has to admit he's intrigued by that in any number of ways.

He's given it a considerable amount of thought, and while he knows that Teyla is the one he should be attracted to, at least physically, what he feels for her is definable to him. There's friendship and trust, and there's some amount of underlying sexual tension, but he can't seem to work it into anything more, even with a concerted effort. This other thing is much more unclear to him, and that freaks him out. Some of those same elements are there: friendship, trust, respect… and sure, a fair amount of hidden lust on his part. Sometimes he thinks that maybe he can't get a handle on what he feels for her because he can't quite get a handle on _her_. She's beauty and grace… and she holds mystery for him. There's a complexity that he doesn't think he'll ever understand, but he might just be willing to spend a lifetime trying to. He's given that considerable thought, too… or at least more thought than he should, given their positions and given the fact that he's never even approached her with even his most benignthoughts. He's positive they could be good together, if only in a practical sense. They work well together and seem to fit like two puzzle pieces… he knows that she balances him, and he hopes that he pushes her in a good kind of way. Besides that, she speaks five languages that he knows of, and he could've been mensa: their kids would be downright absurd. They'd also more than likely be cuter than any kid has a right to be. She'd make sure they were well-behaved and polite; _he'd_ make sure they'd know how to throw a football and make Rodney crazy. He couldn't think of anything better.

Except just loving her. He won't call what he's feeling love, because that crosses a line. He knows he'd die for her, but then again, he'd die for any member of his team and probably any member of this expedition… what he's begun to realize is that he wants to live for her as well. Sure, he's got the same survival instinct he's always had, and when the adrenaline starts pumping in a life-and-death situation, his mind and body go into auto-pilot, doing whatever he needs to do to make it to the next life and death situation… except now she's become part of that equation, and he's not sure when it happened. He doesn't really even remember any warning flags, and he knows that if he had seen any, he damn well would've done something about it, because now he thinks of not only just making it back through the gate and making it back to Atlantis, he thinks about making it back to _her_ and seeing the tension relieved and the weight of the world leave her shoulders, even if it's only momentary. It's dangerous, and she's become a liability for him because he doesn't know if he can _not_ be selfish when it concerns her. If it came right down to it… if he had to make a choice between her and Atlantis, he's honestly not sure anymore what choice he'd make.

And that freaks him out too.

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Reviews are greatly appreciated. :) 


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